The Mummy Returns Again (Persistant B*st*rd)
by the Red Nothing
Summary: The year: 2000. Cassie and John Kensington somehow get sucked into the underworld, and lots of weird stuff happens.YES, the O'Connells are in this, don't hurt me!
1. Plunged Into Idiocy

The Mummy Returns Again -Persistant B*st*rd  
Chapter One: Plunged Into Idiocy  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Rick, Evie, Jonathan, Ardeth, Alex, Imhotep, etc. They belong to Universal Studios. Thoth, Anubis, Khafre, Re, Horus, etc belong to Kemet Inc. Cassie and John belong to my own warped little mind. Enjoy.  
  
=======================================  
  
"I spy with my little eye... Something gold."  
  
"Oh just shut up."  
  
John and Cassie Kensington were crossing the mighty Cliche, erm, Sahara Desert. The thirteen-year-old twins were on their way from New York to London so as to visit their grandfather, but the plane had to make a stop a Cairo. "Bloody multi-stop flights," John had remarked, speaking in an English accent because his mother always had.  
  
Now, according to John, they COULD have just waited a few hours for the plane to take off again, but seeing as the seagull crusher or whatever had blown up and they couldn't leave RIGHT AWAY, Cassie had decided that they should stay a few days in Cairo, to learn about "ancient mysteries,". Now WHY they were going to do this John Richard Mathias Kensington did not know, as their grandfather was going to drone on and on about mummies and lost cities and books and spells and bracelets ANYWAY, but alas, his parents had consented, so staying they were.  
  
Cassie had decided that just the two of then should go for a happy little camel ride across the Sahara, where they were now officially lost. Cassie kept on saying things like, "Wow, how amazing!", or "My, that's gorgeous!", but all poor John saw in it was three colors: Gold, yellow, white. Yippee.  
  
As a matter of fact, they were NOT lost; Cassie had chosen to observe the Great Pyramids Of Giza and The Sphinx, which were pretty hard to miss. She absolutely LOVED Ancient Egypt, or Kemet, meaning "Land Of The Black Sands," as she and the ancient Egyptians liked to call it, and especially the work of the famous Kemet architect, Imhotep.  
  
"Hey, isn't that that damned rotting fellow Grandpa Alex is always ranting about?" John had asked as he raised an eyebrow.  
  
Cassie had rolled her eyes. "John, SOME people share names," she'd explained gently, "and are COMPLETELY different. For example, you and John Lennon."  
  
That had earned her a sound whack in the face with a pillow.  
  
Suddenly, Cassie just stopped her camel. She sighed happily, her emerald eyes glowing behind her sand-flecked glasses. John simply rolled his own.  
  
"Why the devil are you stopping?!"  
  
"That's why, idjut." Cassie pointed directly in front of them, where the Great Pyramid of Giza stood approximately three inches away.  
  
"Oh."  
  
Cassie beamed. "This is where King Kafre is buried, just like Grandpa said!"  
  
John sighed, disappointed that there was nothing to purloin (the child was nearly a kleptomaniac). "They chopped him up into three pieces just to bury him?" John inquired, indicating the two smaller pyramids nearby. His sister growled while her camel lowed.  
  
"No, stupid, that's where he buried his wives."  
  
"WiveS? PLURAL!?" John's eyes widened in disbelief.   
  
"Yes, John," Cassie growled, losing patience with her 14-minute older brother. She'd decided that while they were in the womb together, the brains HE was supposed to get went to her. Or maybe jst vanished altogether.  
  
John rapped the pyramid with his knuckles, the yelped and drew his hand back. Stuffing it in his mouth, he began to scold King Kafre. "Frut fa froo-friming, hold cfooth-"  
  
"JOHN!!!" Cassie shrieked.  
  
"WHAT?!" John shrieked back, pulling his hand out of his mouth. Dangummit, he was five feet aw- Oh.   
  
The sand was caving in, almost like an ant lion's pit. John and Cassie struggled to hold on to each other as their camels bolted, but plunged together down into the abyss.  
  
"I TOLD you we should've just waited another bloody few hours for the next plane...." John complained while plunging through inky blackness.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
  
  
  
(Author's Note: If you were wondering, yes, the O'Connells will be in Chapter Two.)  



	2. I See Dead People (also entitled, What T...

The Mummy Returns Again (Persistent B*st*rd)  
Chapter Two: I See Dead People... (also entitled, "What The $%#* ?!")  
  
"I can't look, I can't look!!" John was screaming as he and his sister plunged down into the blackness, curled up into a little ball and covering his eyes.   
  
"Funny," grumbled Cassie, who had her arms crossed and was displaying a ticked-off look on her face as she too plunged into darkness, "how your mouth continues to work."  
  
"Ooo, Cassandra, there's no bottom to this pit!! We'll fall for eternity!!"   
  
(Ooo, good God, he'll moan for eternity!!) "Listen, John," she stated in the same tone you'd use to tell a three year old there were absolutely NO monsters under the bed,"Maybe if you just LOOKED you could SEE the-"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO!!" John shrieked. "Must I see my own IMPENDING DOOM!?"   
  
Cassie sighed and murmured to no one in particular, "If we live through this, I am telling every single woman my brother tries to date for the rest of his life about his behavior..." Then, she smiled sweetly at John, not that he could see her anyway. "Ok, I'LL look."  
  
Cassie looked down, gave a yelp, and then was silent. Her brother chanced a peep at her through his fingers. "What?", he whispered as the stale air whooshed upward around his body.  
  
His sister's eyes were wide, and her face was ashen. "John," she said in a hoarse whisper, "we're about to land on a pile of Ancient Egyptian pillows."  
  
John heaved with relief. "Well thank God! Why didn't you say so sooner?!" .  
  
Cassie was fuming. "Idiot, do you know what Kemet pillows are MADE of?!"  
  
"Well, no, I-"   
  
CRUNCH!!!  
  
"Wood and ivory," she said weakly.  
  
"Oh," squeaked her brother.  
  
It was miraculous the twins were still alive. Then again, it was also pretty dang spiffy that they'd fallen thousands of feet into an ancient booby trap for accusing some dead guy for two-timing. John had landed on his side, a "pillow", though it was really more of a headrest, prodding him in several places, and Cassie had landed smartly on her back.   
  
"Where...are we?" Cassie murmured as she adjusted her unharmed glasses resting on the top of her head.   
  
There was fire everywhere, and yet it wasn't that hot. Scary, animal-headed people, mostly jackal-heads, drove countless humans everywhere. They were submitted to horrible torture: Whipping, walking on hot coals, listening to Barry Maniloe, etc.  
  
"Holy shit," gasped John.  
  
"LOOK OUT!!", someone roared. Cassie whirled around to see a berserk man charging toward her.  
  
With a revolver.  
  
BANG!!   
  
Cassie was unable to move as the bullet seemed to come shooting toward her in slow motion, right between her eyes. Her glasses shattered as the bullet connected. Then there came a scream, and the sound of a lifeless body hitting the floor with a sickening thud.  
  
Shaken, Cassie slowly turned to the direction she had been facing before the man had shouted. On the stone floor behind her lay a jackal-headed beast with a bullet hole in its chest. Cassie rubbed her forehead. No wound.  
  
"Holy shit," her brother repeated.  
  
The man walked toward her. She was far-sighted (she read so many books she always wore her glasses anyway), so she had no trouble making him out. He was in his thirties or forties, well-built and handsome. His short, brown hair shone in the the light of the flames, and his blue eyes sparkled kindly. He was dressed in Indiana Jones attire, gun still smoking. He seemed so familiar...  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiick!!"  
  
John and Cassie turned to see a woman rushing toward them. She had wavy black hair, a trim figure, and a no-nonsense look about her that would made her the scourge of the world had she been a nun teaching in a Catholic school.  
  
"Oh, uh, hi Evy," the man said while chuckling nervously, hiding the gun behind his back. "What are you doing in this neck of the woods?"  
  
"I was about to ask you the same thing," she retorted hotly. Then she softened. "I was worried about you. You know this part of the Underworld isn't safe..."  
  
The man laughed warmly. "Evelyn, sheesh, you sound like me! We're already dead, baby, we're fine. I was just going to pay my good ol' pal Beni a quick visit, OK?" He put his arms around her.  
  
"Well...all right..." she said slowly, hypnotized by his loving eyes. She brought her face up to his. "Just...as long...as....you....be care....ful-"  
  
"Ahem!"   
  
  
The man jumped so suddenly that "Evelyn" went thudding to the floor. John smirked.   
  
"I hate to interrupt this touching moment, but would you mind telling me WHERE THE BLOODY HELL WE ARE?!!!"  
  
Cassie nonchalantly cuffed her brother none-too-gently in the jaw as she approached the couple, sending him flying to the ground.  
  
"Uh, sorry about John," she said to the pair as her brother continued to mutter obscenities, "Could you, uhm, please tell us where we are?"  
  
The man smiled. He opened his mouth, but didn't answer her question. Instead, he said: "That was a mean right-hook you gave that kid just now."  
  
Cassie cocked her head, confused. "Eh?"  
  
"I said, 'That was a mean right-hook you gave that kid'. You looked more the librarian type to me." Evy cuffed him in the shoulder playfully. "Ugh, not that they can't be dangerous either," he said, wincing in mock pain. "What's your name, kid?"  
  
"Cassie," she said. "Cassandra. Cassandra Kensington."  
  
The man held out his hand. "Rick O'Connell. This is my wife, Evy." He grinned, then added, "Deceased."  
  
Cassie's face lit up with what seemed like instant recognition. "That's why you seemed so familiar!!" she said, bouncing around the room.  
  
"Rarr," growled a jackal as he smacked a man with an inflatable clown, "grr snort grag rawrg!"   
  
{Translation: "Freaks, I don't get paid enough for this job!"}  
  
"I know who you aree! Are!! Are!" Cassie sang. Evy raised an eyebrow. "Did we...miss something?" John sat up and dusted himself off.  
  
"I wonder that myself, ma'am," he said, gazing at his sister. "I've known her from the first seconds of my life, and I still don't know what the hell's wrong with her." Cassie skidded to a halt in front of Rick and pointed at him.  
  
"You're Grandpa Alex's dad!"  
  
Rick froze. "He's a grandfather?! Good grief, he's only thirty-nine!!" Evelyn tapped him gently on the back of his head. "Oh, right," he said.  
  
"He's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed anymore," Evy said in a loud stage whisper.  
  
"Riiiiight," said John. "Uh, do you know where we are?"  
  
"The Underworld," Evy stated.  
  
Cassie and John froze. "The... Underworld?!"   
  
John swallowed. "We're... dead?" Evy shook her head.  
  
"No, you're just in the Underworld. You're alive; That's why my husband's pistols didn't harm you: The can't even touch living matter."  
  
"But they CAN make glasses explode," John said slowly, taking it all in.  
  
"Have you ever seen a pair of talking glasses?"  
  
"..."  
  
"I rest my case," she said, smiling triumphantly.  
  
Cassie had been quiet, gazing at the scenes of horrific torture, when she suddenly spun around.   
  
"Correct me if I'm wrong," she said, "but this Underworld place seems a bit like HELL to me! Why are YOU down here?!"  
  
O'Connell grinned. "Well, the Underworld is like summer camp..." Evy groaned, preparing herself for another one of her husband's pathetic and embarrassing attempts at philosophy. "When you come, they let you go to diferent areas. The better behaved you are, the more places you can go..."   
  
"Uh-HUH..."  
  
"We're, uh we WERE good people, so we can go anywhere in the Underworld," Rick continued thoughtfully,. "We just stopped down in this area to visi-"  
  
"Mi phut ahs! Mi phut ahs! Mi phut ahs pharoos Thoth!!"   
  
"Duck!" Rick growled as he put his right arm around his wife, his left arm around his two great-grandchildren, and shoved them all to the ground with him.  
  
"'Duck'?" John whispered harshly. "Looks more like a stork to me..."  
  
"It's an ibis, idiot!" Evy and Cassie shot back at the same instant as the animal-headed peoples of the Underworld continued shouting.   
  
From their midst stepped an incredibly tall entity, seven feet high. His human body was slender, and he wore only a red necktie and a navy loincloth. He carried a briefcase in one hand, and he had the head of an ibis, or a stork, or a whatever. Malevolent intellect shone from his beady eyes.  
  
"Oh no," breathed Rick. "It's Thoth: Ancient Egyptian God Of Overpriced Lawyers."  



	3. I Object!!

The Mummy Returns Again (Persistent B*st*rd)  
Chapter Three: I Object!!  
  
  
"Ex-CUSE me," hissed Cassie as the Lawyer Deity approached. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Thoth ALLEGEDLY the SCRIBE god?!"  
  
Rick sneered. "History is FULL of cover-ups!" His wife sighed. "Essentially, he's right. Let's hear what he has to say..."  
  
Thoth cleared his throat, then produced a scroll of papyrus from his briefcase. The activities of the Underworld completely ceased as Thoth began to speak in a different language.  
  
"Oh loyal subjects of the Underworld," Evy translated. Cassie rolled her eyes.   
  
"What?" demanded Evelyn.  
  
John sighed heavily. "Ma'am, we can tell what he's saying..."  
  
"Oh really?" The former librarian raised an eyebrow. "Well if that's the case, oh scholarly experts, forget my help." Cassie smacked herself in the head as she listened to Thoth, speaking in a foreign tongue...  
  
"I-ay am-yay erehay otay eakspay otay ouyay boutay ethey asecay fo-yay may-ay ewnay ientclay, Hotepimay."  
  
"Imhotep?!" Evy, John, and Cassie whispered in shock. Rick looked confused.  
  
"Who said anything about that guy...?"  
  
Cassie began messaging her temples as Thoth continued in the "ancient language".  
  
"Ehay aysays ehay ishesway otay oosay ethay O'Onnelcays anday allay oseclay inkay orfay..."   
  
"..." said Cassie.  
  
"..." said Evy.  
  
"???" said Rick.  
  
"Please," moaned John warily, shaking his head as if hoping to rattle some sense out, "tell me the undead aren't going to BLOODY SUE US!!"  
  
"Shush up, idiot!" Cassie hissed, but it was too late. Thoth whirled around, saw the O'Connell Quartet, and squawked angrily.  
  
"EIZESAY EMTHAY!!"  
  
"Hang-" roared Rick as he reached for one of his revolvers. But he was jumped by five scimitar-wielding jackal-headed soldiers, his wife two, and his great-grandchildren forced to handle three between them.   
  
"On?" John supplied unhelpfully as the four were dragged off toward Thoth.  
  
"Ahhay," sighed Thoth happily as he stared as his captives.  
  
"'Ahhay'?" John raised an eyebrow as he turned his head as best he could in the soldier's grasp toward Cassie. His sister merely shook her head sadly.  
  
"Sometimes, bro, it's best just not to ask."  
  
"ILENCESAY!!!" Thoth thrust an accusing talon at them as he roared. He then regained his composure. "Elcomeway," he said softly, between raspy breaths.  
  
Evelyn launched another futile kick at the eternal warrior who was holding her captive.   
  
"EVELYN!!" Rick yelled, his face 100% void of any emotional changes, his body still pretty much limp in the arms of his captor. John turned to him and shot him one of his trademark, 'What In God's Name Are You Doing And Why The Bloody Hell Are You Doing It' looks (TM).  
  
"Please allow me to ask, good sir, what the actual POINT in doing that was...!"  
  
Rick shrugged. "Reflex."  
  
"Hema-ay... Alshay eway ontinuecay?" Thoth coughed nervously between words.  
  
"Uh, yeah," grumbled Cassie as she rolled her eyes for what felt like the fifteen-septillionth time that day.   
  
"I don't see what's so bloody 'well' about it," Evy muttered under her breath. The face Cassie had on at that moment is pretty hard to describe, but suffice it to say that Cassie knew that if she was in one of those Japanese comic books her friends often toted around, she would be displaying a VERY large sweatdrop.  
  
"More importantly, why does an immortal deity have to BREATHE at all?!"  
  
"Ha-aym uchsay eektchay uestgays," Thoth's beak curved in a grin. "Come now, I know you can understand what I say..." The Great God Thoth, Ancient Kemet God Of Overpriced Lawyers, was now speaking modernized English!  
  
"Ooo. English. Yay."  
  
"You're right, John," said Rick levelly, though he still clapped a hand on John's back with such force that it caused the wind to be knocked out of him. "We'll know what he's saying now..."  
  
Cassie sighed heavily. "Was he always this...?" She indicated her forehead by tapping her right forefinger against it a couple of times. Evy sighed herself.  
  
"Shockingly, no. He did, at one point, have 9/10 of a brain... "  
  
"Ahh, it is good that you're here. My client has a number of charges against all of you O'Connells..."  
  
John immediately began to babble incoherently.   
  
"O'Connell?! Who's a bloody O'Connell?! I'm a Kensington, born'n true, wot! As my dad always..."  
  
Cassie began humming "Stand By Me" rather loudly. John shot her a deathglare. Thoth grinned slyly.  
  
"Oh, come now. I am an immortal deity, I can trace your heritage quite easily..." He began to fish through his briefcase, then pulled out and unfurled an exceedingly long papyrus scroll.  
  
The color drained from John's face so quickly he probably had just sent a new world record. "Holy shit," he said for the third time that day. "It's the Mother Of All Family Trees."  
  
Cassie groaned and turned to the guard holding her. "May I look at that, sir?" The guard bristled and growled.   
  
"It's a female," whispered Evy.  
  
"Eeeeep..." Thoth spoke: "Let her go; She's not going anywhere... Heh heh heh..."  
  
{Villain cliche' before escape of heroes,} Cassie thought as she unceremoniously thudded to the floor and scrambled over to the family tree on all fours.   
  
"It's OUR family tree.... Whoa...." She began to read aloud.   
  
" 'Howard Carnahan married Aneksi Shabatii and had a son, Jonathan, and a daughter, Evelyn. Richard O'Connell, parents unknown...'. Hm... 'Richard O'Connell married Evelyn Carnahan and had a son, Alexander O'Connell.' I think that's Grandpa... 'Miranda VanAcker and Walter Consfortingham married and had a daughter, Emille.' THAT is Grandma... 'Alexander O'Connell married Emille Consfortingham and they had two daughters and a son, from eldest to youngest, Kristine, Michelle, and James. Michelle O'Connell married Joseph Kensington and they had a set of twins, John and Cassandra.'" Cassie put the paper down. "There it is, guys, in simple wri- HEY!!"  
  
Rick blinked. "Huh? Did you say something? I was just having a funny dream..."  
  
Thoth cackled mirthlessly. "Now... For the charges..."  
  
The O'Connells groaned and covered their ears.  
  
"First degree murder, second degree murder, third and square route of pi degree murder, grand theft, not-so-grand theft, kinda- minute-but-what-the-hell-we're-suing-you-anyway theft, destruction of puplic property..."  
  
Cassie's eyebrow shot up. "'Destruction of public property'?"  
  
"Must mean Hamunaptra," Rick grumbled.   
  
"Child abuse," Thoth continued. "Disturbing the peace, disturbing those resting in peace, extreme acts of racist violence toward undead community, extermination of rare and unique animal species, mass extermination of rare and unique animal species..."  
  
"Zzz," said John. Evy slapped him upside of the head to wake him.  
  
"Reckless driving," Thoth droned on. "Being the O'Connell that broke the camel's back, public violence, public usage of foul language, public drunkeness..."  
  
"Public drunkeness?!" yelled Rick.  
  
"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall..." A thick English voice wafted through the halls of the Underworld. Husband and wife exchanged a nervous glance.   
  
"Oh."  



End file.
